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The fear of being rejected (social phobia)
Looking for the role this has had to play
in our evolution and survival as species, it is clear to think how necessary it
has been for our ancestors to be well considered by the community members. Like
the social beings we are, we have needed the acceptance of others to survive.
Outside of that, our dependency from our elders when we are little conditions
our later development; the years we need to be looked after until we are able to
manage for ourselves are many, like when we are old, when we also need care from
others. All this entails a noticeable social character, a
considerable genetic load and a learning that reinforces our bonds to others,
our fear of being rejected. But, really.... what do we fear when we
are, or more precisely, when we feel rejected?... Being left on our own; not
being able to survive. Like all our fears, we will live this with
smaller or greater intensity according to how dangerous we consider what this
fear warns us about in our lives. Like every other fear, that warning can be
founded and realistic, or groundless and a product of our imagination. Either
way, if our being considers it convincing we will experience each of the
thoughts we have in that respect with a lot of fear. Also, as it happens with
the remainder of our fears, this fear will condition our behaviour, pushing us
to avoid being rejected by others. That way we will reinforce more and more our
belief about how terrible it is not to obtain the approval of everyone around
us, and our sensations of anguish and unease which manifest themselves whenever
one of those thoughts that tells us we are rejected by somebody appears in our
mind, will end up being unbearable for us; these sensations will produce such
aversion that we will tend to avoid, not only the rejection itself, but the
situations that awaken in us those really unpleasant sensations and thoughts.
Many people with agoraphobia display this type of fear amongst their numerous
fears; and many people with social phobia display very similar characteristics
to those people with agoraphobia when their fear is very exaggerated. We may ask
ourselves... for what reasons are we rejected by others? We can be rejected for
being ugly or not very physically attractive, violent or not very sociable,
inept, or belonging to a different social class or ethnic group, having
some type of disease or physical anomaly... by an abundant and totally
subjective number of reasons and under the criterion of those who value that
rejection. However, if there is a reason for which people do not like being or
sensation rejected, that is the fear of making ourselves ridiculous. Our sense of the ridiculous is such that it
can force people to commit all types of acts with the object that the others
will not consider them ridiculous, weak,
clumsy. However, putting aside the avoidance of situations, of violence, or any
other conduct that can trigger that sense in people, and outside the emotions
this causes in us, what interests us in this chapter is learning about it and
how to overcome it. In order to do so, it is enough to observe
the behaviour and sensation of people who suffer this fear to the extreme. Their
lives are very limited, since their fear leads to them to avoid all types of
contact with other people who do not belong to their closest social environment.
Speaking, eating or writing in public are very difficult tasks, tremendously
hard. For that reason, their mind brings to their attention time and time again
all types of alarming thoughts, which keeps them being between alert and
vigilant when faced with the possibility that a situation which favours the
resurgence of those thoughts and sensations, this uneasiness they fear so much,
appears; and keeps them distressed when, for one reason or another, their fears
appear and their anxiety goes over the top. The overcoming of this fear passes, like
any other, through making a deep analysis of the foundations of our fears;
through the correct observation of our sensations and thoughts, in order to
learn to tolerate them; and through the
application of adequate thought and behaviour. When analyzing the foundations of our
fears, outside of the genetic inheritance we may have in that respect, and of
the understandable function that fear may have had in our survival as species,
we will be able to comprehend that our fear is groundless. For many people the
mere fact that one or more people can reject them is terrible, and they
experience it as such, because they think their approval is vital for them, or,
at least, their rejection is detrimental for their well-being, even if they are
not aware of that belief (cognition). That type of belief and reaction is common
in all of us, in terms of how important the person or persons whose rejection we
perceive is to us; although, for many people, especially those who suffer what
is called social phobia, interpreting that they are rejected by any member of
society supposes experiencing a high degree of anxiety and distress, with the
consequences that brings. The opinion of people whose approval or disapproval
does not mean anything for their life or their well-being, because they are not
determining in their activities nor in their affective relationships, or in any
other area of importance for their happiness, acquires a vital importance for
them, and as such they feel it in
innumerable situations, due to the distorted vision and lack of good observation,
and the belief that has been shaped thanks, once again, to their thoughts,
sensations, and the interpretation of both, and their behaviour in avoiding
those situations which cause this fear in them. But not only those whose lives remain extremely
limited by the fear of the opinion others may have of them, suffer for this
reason; since, although not so extreme, everybody, some more than others, we let
ourselves be affected by this fear, unnecessarily avoiding
some situations and sensation bad in many others of them. How
could we overcome that fear? We can
relinquish voluntarily to the approval of others and feel well; we might not
need it and still feel totally happy for that reason. In addition, if we analyze
how vital it is for us not to be rejected, we can reach the conclusion that, in
the worst case scenario, the worst that can happen to us as a consequence of
being rejected would be that absolutely everybody rejects us, being left
completely alone, which would turn out to be practically impossible; but, even
in case it was possible, we would always have ourselves and we could survive
that event. Logically,
the happier we are and the more we know and understand ourselves, the better we
will survive in those circumstances; but, that also happens to us now,
therefore, by means of correct inner knowledge it will be difficult for our
fears to condition us, and even less in the extreme, which means a pleasant
well-being. In addition, with a correct inner knowledge, a greater acceptance of
ourselves will arise in any circumstance; and, when our imagination decides to
bring to our mind the assumption of loneliness, we will comprehend that, even in
that assumption, life is not so tragic, because we have ourselves. It will take
some anxiety away from that fear and will reduce it remarkably. Therefore,
if we want to overcome that fear, we will have to meditate about this and use
all the strength that reason added to the lust for life, gives us, without
senseless conditionings that limit ourselves so extremely. Once we
have done this, our next step must be to perfect the practice on learning to
observe and tolerate our sensations and thoughts; which we already saw in
previous chapters. When we have the sufficient skill, we will be able to observe
how, indeed, our sensations of anxiety and distress manifest themselves at the
same time as the thought that causes them, although this can be followed by
other thoughts that maintain and even increase our anxiety, either these bear,
or not, a direct relation to the thought that originally caused our fear. When we
already have a certain ability in this practice, we will have to put some effort
towards learning to change our groundless and irrational thoughts for others
that are more suitable. We will have to do this at the moment when our alarming
thoughts appear. Thus, as an example, if we think we cannot do something because
somebody might think that we are... ridiculous, we will have to think, even if
it takes a lot of effort, time and time again, that it is not
a reason for us not to do something, for us
to be deprived of doing such thing. It does not mean that, just as a consequence
of thinking about and carrying out the action we have set out to undertake, even
in spite of our fear of rejection, we are not going to experience anxiety. We
will experience as much anxiety as our self considers detrimental for our
well-being to carry out that action, in spite of our reasoning. Nevertheless,
our practice of meditation and our persistence must be sufficient to hold and
comprehend our anxiety until this becomes more bearable; since, to the extent we
stop avoiding all those situations we used to avoid due solely to our fear of
being rejected, at the same time we are gaining skill in our attention to the
sensations and thoughts, and in the tolerance of those and by changing these to
others that are more adequate, our anxiety when faced with that type of
situation will be much smaller and we will be able to carry out all those
activities from which we deprived ourselves due to the mere fact of thinking
that it is terrible that others reject us. In all of this, it is necessary to add that, in the
same way as people who are influenced by the emotion of loss have a
discriminatory vision of reality, by means of which they see predominantly those
aspects that are negative to them, loaded with pessimism and self recrimination,
people who suffer this fear (like others who suffer other fears) tend to see
reasons for rejection everywhere and, although on most of occasions it is only a
product of their imagination, it does not prevent them from living these as
reality. In that
way, we should learn to consider that, although being rejected does not have
that vital importance, we are not rejected as many times as we seem to notice
under the influence of our individual and discriminatory vision. But,
even in case this might be true, we will have to learn to observe people as they
are: people who, like us, change and are in constant movement. We will hardly be
able to find to somebody with a single and unmovable opinion. Like ourselves,
others have contradictory thoughts, in respect to other people or any subject in
general. Our way of thinking varies according to a multitude of circumstances;
our learning, our surroundings and influences, our mood, etc. Who has not
thought of somebody positively on some occasion, and, negatively on another?
This disparity of opinions conditioned by multiple reasons, can arise
even at consecutive moments. Again,
we cannot change the way others think, although we can have an influence on it.
It is not up to us to decide whether we are liked or not; therefore, wishing
that we are always well received, accepted and that all of our acts turns out to
be pleasant to others, is an impossible task. Therefore,
and as a summary, my advice for surpassing that fear is the following: Practice
with the sensations and thoughts that cause them, in order to learn to modify
them. Meditate
about the importance other’s approval has for us. Relinquish
the desire of approval. Confront
the situations that we must carry out in our daily life which we avoid due to
that fear. If our limitations are many, we will begin confronting the tasks that
are more easily attainable and afterwards continuing to carry out others of
greater difficulty. Making
ourselves ridiculous feels better than it seems, even if we do not like it much. |
